I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
