I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
