Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
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Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize