Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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