you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
