so that wasnt chicken after all
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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