someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
