i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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