The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
