I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
no you cant smoke seaweed
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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