I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
