just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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