Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
