there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We have started to decorate penises.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
