my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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