there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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