how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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