I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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