you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
