she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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