Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
