So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
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The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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