Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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