I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
