I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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