don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
