Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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