I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
