dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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