The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
