I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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