I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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