I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
