there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
