I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning