if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night