It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
YAS. BRING CRAB.