Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
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It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
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He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.