my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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