I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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