she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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