im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
