Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
