I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
