I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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