Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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