people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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