Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
