I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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