Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
