What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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