i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
