He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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