if you like me you must not know who I am
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
