k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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