Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
