eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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