I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
organizing the empties. That sober.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
